5 Unconventional Reasons To Own An Anaal Nathrakh Album

Little known fact, I also engage in humor pieces every so often. This is one of them, but naturally tied in with metal as well. Inspired by my close friend Chrissie, who runs Litflick. Enjoy.

Newer readers of this site and my other writing may not be aware of this, but I like Anaal Nathrakh. That may be a bit of an understatement, but it’ll do for the time being. However, I realize that not all people share such an undying adoration for the gruesome twosome from Birmingham, and yet I still insist on you all buying (not downloading, buying CDs of) their records. They’ve got a few of them out, the latest being Passion, and it made my top 10 of 2011.

“But Angel!”, I hear you cry, “what if we do not share the same passion as you do with this talented pair?” And while in most moods I may smite you down for insolence, in one rare occasion I have decided to impart a few tips and tricks that mean you can successfully utilize your newly-procured Anaal Nathrakh album. Here are but 5 small examples of ways to use such a CD, despite not being a die-hard fan.

1. Free Fitness Regime
Even if Anaal Nathrakh is not your favorite band, you cannot deny the sheer energy and power which they exude when blasting your eardrums. Many metal listeners like to engage in moshing, as a way to release tension and have a bit of fun. However, one hidden effect is that it can help you shed a few pounds if you feel the urge to burn the fat. So, put on a Nathrakh CD and start moshing in your living room, either alone or getting others to join in. But no hardcore dancing, mind, we wouldn’t want to cause an accident.

2. Hair drying
Who hasn’t paraded around the room while waiting for your hair to dry (unless you are follicularly challenged), and wondered as to the best to way to speed up the process? Headbang like those Norse gentlemen Amon Amarth! Within two Nathrakh tracks, I guarantee your hair will be completely desiccated no matter how long you wear it. P.S. If Tomi Joutsen is reading this, you may want to move breakable objects before engaging in this activity.

3. Sick Days
Want to take a day off work, but need to develop a sore throat really quickly without having to engage in mortal combat with bacteria? Try and imitate Dave Hunt’s vocal styles on any given Nathrakh track or two, and your voice will be more than hoarse enough to satisfy your boss that you need the day off. For added authenticity, drink some Jack Daniels and cola while you’re at it for that added raw factor.

4. Musical Scarecrow
Pesky vermin, trespassers or small children coming too close to your private property? Set up a speaker system on your front lawn/crop field and have it trigger “Castigation And Betrayal”. You can be sure the pest will suddenly be very interested in running the other direction, quickly. More effective than an actual scarecrow, and far less goofy.

5. Secret Service Training Exercise
A direct address to MI5, NSA, CIA or any other espionage-based system: If you want an excellent way to test how good your recruit’s hearing and deciphering abilities are, set them to task with decoding a set of lyrics from almost any Nathrakh song*. Start a sliding scale from the easier ones (“The Final Absolution”) to near-impossible (“Pandemonic Hyperblast”), and their new-found skills can be put to use in understanding radio signals!

So there you have it, 5 reasons why you should own a Nathrakh CD. Your homework assignment is to go and acquire one now. Best port of call would be Feto Records, owned by Nathrakh instrumentalist Mick Kenney. Any other reasons which you come up with can be submitted in the comment box below for extra credit. Class dismissed.

On a final and funny note: When Dave Hunt takes his glasses off; you know shit is about to go down.

-
*except “So Be It”, because that’s from the Bible, and “Tod Huetet Uebel” because those lyrics were officially released.

4 responses

  1. Lol, nice article! #4 made me literal lol ;)

    May 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    • Glad I got a literal lol out of you, that was the intention ;)

      May 2, 2012 at 7:48 pm

  2. helentythers

    Love this! I may even pick up a copy after reading this…

    May 2, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    • Do so! I can advise you on which album to go for, if you let me know ;)

      May 2, 2012 at 7:48 pm

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